Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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