i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
