Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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