oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
