dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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