one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
