I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
