I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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