I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Let the clothes fall where they may.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
