You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
