I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I have demons in me.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
