New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
