shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
