Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
