it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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