when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
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