i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
