I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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