There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
