I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
