seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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