Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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