Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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