I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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