I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
