There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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