There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You can't just leave with hair like that
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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