I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
