I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
