We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
