Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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