how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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