based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize