Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
