One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
