I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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