When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
