um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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