I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
