i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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