so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
