I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
