so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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