I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize