you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
