I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
