sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
