First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
