I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
God, I missed his penis.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
