I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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