Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
