the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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