I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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