You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize