The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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