Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
