your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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