closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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