Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
