Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
